Wednesday, December 31, 2008

now that I have expired, I should be honest.

Today is the day I am going to Milwaukee.
But, as to no surprise, I knew something would happen to completely deflate me.
My throat is thick. It's another cold! The third one this winter.
My father, for all problem solving purposes, advised me to get some NyQuil for my sleeping arrangement.
What a fucking horrible idea, although fun. I'm sitting at work afraid to answer the phone due to my uneasy voice and stagnant, cloudy memory. There is a lot of questions I have to ask when I answer the phone and doctors dont like to be asked twice. I'm slumping all over in my chair, I'm warm and it feels nice.

Friday, December 12, 2008

going going gone.

Bad bad. Horrible day.
Take me take me take me.
I'm hardened but also an emotional mess.
After I leave my place of employment, I get to give one of my children up.

I want some movies.
I want some junk food.
I start my new diet on Monday.
Healthy food only.
"Is butter a carb?"

I'm going fucking mad.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I'm an animal.

It looks as if I were too soon to speak about the winter blues.
I have them today.
I need to stop listening to music that makes me want to hurl myself off a tall building.
And miss people I shouldn't be missing. But happy upbeat music just seems to ironic in this weather.
As much as I hate Christmas, I'm eager for it to come. I get to see my family, which some people dread. I do not.

Hopeful for some new boots soon. Boots that don't make my feet wet when I run through a slight puddle.

Listening to
Weird fishes/Arpeggi--Radiohead.


Monday, December 8, 2008

everyone's at it.

Today is hell for me. I have been sleeping restlessly for the past few nights.
I'm anxious, I'm sore, I'm horribly awkward and I can't seem to keep my balance.
I need sleep. My body aches for it. I need some horizontal nothingness.

Otherwise, everything is good.
I'm trying to not notice my aching limbs and back.
Lily Allen's sweet voice seems to be taking the focus off.

But this is my worry today about myself:
I wish I was able to make choices that would be somewhat selfish.
Sounds wierd, I know. But I need to be selfish sometimes and do what is best for me.
Even if it means I have to hurt someone else. Fuck.


Thursday, December 4, 2008

she'll make you cum diamonds.

I have a cold in my bones today. I woke up chilled and my hot shower this morning didn't seem to make it any better.
I saw Justin W. last night at young actors rehearsal. It's coming together good. After that, Jessica came and met up with us, we went to YATS, then went down the street to Old Point Tavern for a drink. I had sailor and cola. It was tasty & strong.
Not much to report on. Still looking for a new means to an end.

Check out my wife's new video if you want too. She's pretty talented. I'm a proud wifey.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

real quick

Dear Betsy Johnson,

I know you are better than this.

I love you always,



Life is good. As cheesy as it sounds, I'm living by my motto. I'm keeping it simple. And it's rewarding me so much.

All I've been doing lately is reading literature, hanging out with some good people, getting hyped for YAT & christmas, and watching movies. I really can't complain. This winter hasn't yet been as ridiculous as I expected it to be. And the less I go out drinking, the less drama I seem to have in my life. Hmm, wonder why.

I'm sleepy today. I want work to be over now. Let's go to the cinema.

1. buying bananas for grilled PB & banana sandwiches. I might make Jello too? hyped!
2. dishes :[ not hyped.
3. cleaning my room, while getting down with some radiohead on vinyl.
4. reading my book
5. nap time
6. possible Bridget Jones' Diary on VHS / Rushmore? [high school movie night.]
7. yelling at my cat children. [I assume mischievous behavior is going on while I'm not at home right now.]

sounds like a fantastic night to me.
Don't bother me.


Monday, December 1, 2008

alice ayres.

inspiration for the day. I just want to pick up and leave.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

I feel like my body is kinda shutting down for the winter.
I haven't wanted to go out. I have just wanted to stay in, take a painkiller, smoke ciggs, and read.
Eating speghetti has been a high priority as well.
"I don't have a lot of money, but I'm not poor. I eat a lot of speghetti."
But, I enjoy my alone time, eating speghetti and reading my nerdy book plus keeping up on my weekly shows.

Tonight, though, I owe it to myself to go out and have a few drinks before the big day.
I need to deal with the pain tonight of what is going to happen after Thanksgiving.
"My ass is going to get so fucking fat." That's what I'm thinking.
It's all downhill from here until summer strikes and a loose 15 lbs automatically due to constant moving around and stress of knowing that summer will someday end.
I need to find a speed habit real quick.
But not really.

I need to be semi-responsible tonight, with how late I stay out and how many shots I ingest.
I have to get up early and use my highly untrained cooking...or baking skills, I guess it would be, to make green bean caserole. A dish my mother is making me bake for the fam. "Green bean caserole is fucking nasty. Do you have my smokes?" Yes, it's a dish I dispise.
Awesome, in all the glory of my hangover, I get to make the nastiest thanksgiving dish in my tiny oven.

Katie informed me last night, when we were talking about Thanksgiving and her diet, "Fuck it, I'm going to put gravy on my turkey. Fuck it." I was proud. No one should have to diet on Thanksgiving unless you were the turkey that didn't want to get killed.

Someone I work with must have sprayed something that smells like cherry jell-o right by where I sit. It smells so good in my cubicle right now.

-buying a new goddamn tire
-speghetti night at the fams
-drinks in broadripple


Friday, November 21, 2008

Casey Affleck & Noble Romans

This morning started off badly. i woke up in a sweat. I hate that.
It's bitterly cold outside. I felt so sick before I left for work. I still feel tired and super sickly now. ughhh

If there is a god, I will be rested up and well for Thanksgiving & my grandmothers homemade mac-a-roni n cheese.


This winter has started off wierd for me. Not bad, just weird.
This is the first winter in 5 years that I have been alone. It's so crazy to think about.
Now, that I'm single and living away from all the toxic mess of my last relationship, I don't want to be with anyone for a really long time. I have been enjoying my alone time a whole lot. It's awesome.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

I want to shout it from the rooftops

I just found this online. I thought it was funny. Katie will think it's funny too, I think.

just rude.

I recieved a text from my best friend Katie today...and another from her yesterday.
The first text was her boasting about how she got some adderall. I texted her back how that sounded like fun, how many did she get because I would be delighted to buy some from her. She texted back that she only had one. psh whatever.
Then today, I am sitting at my desk at work. I am very hungry. I think she sensed this somehow because she texted me and again boasted about how she is about to eat a pizza and asked me if I was jealous. What a bitch, right? Dangling her adderall and amazing low-carb pizza in my face. One more outburst from her, and I'm pulling this car over...on our friendship.

[katie, i love you. this is all propaganda]

It's a very very cold day in Indianapolis.
I need-- hot tea, my bed, my dishes to be done when I get home, ciggs, Family guy, Star Wars, grilled cheese with tomato and Amy's Vegetable soup, Two-hearted beer, dancing, and ofcourse, I need all this in moderation. If I had this all at once, I would probably be in the hospital.

gin rummy what

- My roommate Ben and I had a very disturbing conversation yesterday about experiences we have had in the past that resulted in death. Fortunately, I took a painkiller before we had that convo because, otherwise, I would have gotten really depressed.

- Last night, Jessica and I met up with Derek and Jesse Lee at the Brass Ring in Fountain Square. Jesse was working and served us shots that tasted like food. One shot that tasted like apple pie and another that was supposed to taste like peanut butter and jelly but it just ended up tasting like a white russian. Then Derek blew us away with a couple card tricks and Jesse taught us how to play Gin Rummy. I owned that game. After that, anymore card games he tried to teach us, I was completely confused. My brain can only ingest the learning's of one card game a month.

I have a lot to get done today:

1. Write out a mass email for YAT
2. Call Art Institute for help with costumes
3. Call Beaver. A lot of calling people.
4. Go to the southside and cash a check
5. get kitty litter.

This doesn't seem like a lot, but it is.
I have to get shit done.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

speghetti night.

I've decided that every Wednesday night is going to be deemed speghetti night for me.
My night to chill out before the weekend, eat fucking speghetti, and watch movies.

My weekends always seem to start on thursday nights, because I get sloppy drunk...even though I have to work at 8am on Friday.

That's my thing.
That's what I do.


- Last night, I went over to Katies. We made low-carb pizzas, salads, giggled a lot & watched Sister Act. I love the 90's due to that movie. It was one of the most relaxing nights I've had in awhile. Amazing.

- I met up with the artistic director of YAT yesterday, Justin. He is awesome. He is very intense but calming at the same time. I've never met anyone who could get my attention like he does. Jessica and I have deemed him one of our saints. The other is Maury, the bartender from the Alley Cat in Broadripple. He always comes up, gives us hugs, and makes us good drinks. We need more saints. We haven't found many in the Indianapolis area. Many people we have come to meet are assholes. We just want them to go to hell.

- I am trying to find more interesting ways to make the best grilled cheese sandwich ever. Apparently, my roomate Ben thinks his grilled cheeses are tip top. I went grocery shopping the other day and I got these ingrediants to make the best grilled cheese ever: swiss cheese, wheat bread, eggs, tomatos, cheddar cheese...
Plus I'm going to get some avacados. I think it sounds fantastic.

you should watch this video if you want:

Thursday, November 13, 2008


I was playing around on, which is an awesome website--check it out, and it had a post about old war posters/propaganda. Here are some I found really interesting & a bit disturbing:

My personal favorite....


I've got the bad case of the shivers.

Ben moved in. I'm stoked. Party time. Excellent.
He has a lot of really awesome wall art. We spent a small portion of last night running around the apartment and seeing which framed photograph looked better where on our wall. My apartment looks better already. I will post some photos when I take them.

I applied at H&M. I hope I get a job there. Le sigh. I need to get out of this cubicle. If I did leave this place of employment, I will miss only 2 people out of the 100 some that work here. Isn't that sad? I've made no attempt to connect with anyone in my office except Cheo and Sara. Sara is my team leader and she is amazing. I always go to her when I have a crush on a new boy, or when I'm upset about a former boy. She tells me about her husband. He is a stupid asshole. She derserves better.

I will also miss Cheo. He is, like, the playboy of my department. All the ladies in my department and even from outside departments looove some Cheo. He sits in the cubicle directly next to mine. I always hear his rap music coming from his headphones. He likes to call and play me M.I.A. through my work phone. It makes me very happy. It reminds me of that scene from The Virgin Suicides. Those boys call the Lisbon girls when they are in lockdown and play them records over the phone.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008


I was fiddling around on earlier when I came across a Sarah Palin article about her possibly running in the 2012 election. It scared me. And then I got tricked into an one of those advertisement/online surveys, where they say you will win a new Ipod or 500 gift card to Target but, in a cowardly way, just want you to buy a magazine subscription. Like any person who wants a new Ipod, I have fallen for it in the past & just did again. The survey advertisement was titled "Does Sarah Palin scare you???". Yes, she does. I clicked on it and 5 windows popped up on my computer.

internet. read it:

So, I came to a brief revelation this morning about my whole blogging situation. And I have found that it's very theraputic for me. As silly as that might sound, it's the truth. It's a place to direct all my thoughts and fun times, expressed.

I feel very clear headed today. I've had a lot on my mind lately about people in my life and just my life in general. But today, I feel very calm & clear about everything. I'm a lot more optimistic than I thought I would be. My week started off strange and unexpected.


Tuesday, November 11, 2008


- I really wish my boss would realize that I do not care about my job, and then fire me. I try and try, no luck.

- I think need to give my cats away. My apartment is too small and one of them pissed on my bed. Probably Wubbie. But I have a feeling I'm going to need their cuddles and purrs in the coming weeks. So give them away yet, I will not. Adoption interviews, coming soon. I want them to have a home in the country & away from city life. I should get a fish.

- I'm so incrediably hungry right now. But I'm trying this new diet where I don't eat unless I have the money too. I believe it's called the broke hoe diet. I don't have money, presently, so I don't get to eat. Tough love. But, on the upside, I fit into these pants that I didn't fit into 3 weeks ago. Rad.

- I need some painkillers, for my back and recreational use.

- I need to make a list of things to do for the winter so I don't get the blues. My friends Jessica and Ben did I think I'm going to steal that idea. Will report back at a later time when I get some ideas.

- I want to marry Jason Bateman.

- I wrote out a grocery list today. It made me come to the realization that I am becoming my mother.

- Check out You won't be disapointed.

Monday, November 10, 2008

growing up

My weekend was fantastic. I took Friday off work and hung out all day with a couple friends. I also saw my father for lunch. I haven't seen him in months. I think he is going slightly crazy. He has always had this notion that he needs to protect himself, all the time. And, I don't mean in a emotional defense. He really likes guns and other various weapons. When I met up with him, he wanted to take me to Don Pablos, which is his favorite place to eat. It's good, I suppose. On our way there, he informed me that he bought me a gift when he was in Florida earlier this year. I was happy and excited that he did so, but I knew, at the same time, that is was going to be something strange. He pulled this ridiculously huge knife from this lunch box where he also carried his revolver [which I didn't know he had with him] and Neil Young & Zeppelin CDs. He gave this to me as a present 'For my protection'. I was kinda freaked out. What am I going to do with a knife that is extremely undescrete and couldn't even fit in my purse? I informed my best friend Jessica that I recieved this weapon, and she made an excellent point. If I were ever in the situation where I would need to use a knife, I would have to be prepared for it to be used against me. I'm not going to carry around a knife worried that I'm going to be attacked. I feel I can handle myself in a sitution without being in a knife fight. It's called mace.

Tonight is going to be uneventful for me. I'm tired. My body is sore. I've had a tummy ache since I woke up. I had a very restless night of sleep last night. I need some Arrested Development, ciggs, my bed, and maybe some kitties to accompany me.

Monday, November 3, 2008

killer jams for me this week

"Quiet" Smashing Pumpkins [pretty much anything on Siamese Dream]

"Split Needles" The Shins

"Reptilia" The Strokes

"Search and Destroy" Iggy Pop & the Stooges

"All I need" Radiohead

"Naomi" Neutral Milk Hotel
sidenote: "Naomi" sounds like some brilliant cover of a certain slow song that FAR did on Water Solutions. I can't seem to wrap my head around it.

"Playground Love" Air


I feel really good.
I am almost done filling out my loan application for school.
I have two very respectable references.
I don't know why I feel so good slowly getting into debt.
Oh well. Fuck it.


Quall Man for Obama

Halloween was fantastic and saddening at the same time. My good friend Ben lost his job at Jimmy Johns. There was a bike race going on and Jimmy Johns was used downtown for a checkpoint. His boss, purposely, drunk drove around Jimmy Johns quite a few times and saw all of us there, called Ben at around midnight, and fired him. Even though Ben cleared it with him first. And he was wasted. It was ridiculous. He was really upset.

Sometime after that [after jessica fell up some stairs and busted her knees], we dressed in our makeup and blood, went to Broadripple to go have a drink and costume watch. I saw many Jokers, more zombies, pirates, Marie Antoinettes, & demons. Quall Man from Doug was even there. So amazing. He sat next to me at the bar and we talked politics. I think he was way smashed so I didn't understand most of what he said. But I did make out that he was an Obama supporter. It was hard to take him seriously because the belt on top of his head kept smacking me in the face.

After we got good and liquored up, we made the intelligent choice & drove, dancing the whole way, to Steak N Shake downtown at about 5am and ordered a grilled cheese and tomato. We chatted it up with an inmate and the man in the yellow hat.
sidenote: I love the steak n shake in downtown Indianapolis. There are some interesting waitors there. One of them inparticular I have special interest in. He is a tall guy, slightly scrawney, face shrunken in a bit, insect eye glasses that make his eyes look a cartoon, awkward, a flat top/mullet-esque type hair cut, a rat tail, & very gay. He is very special to me haha If you ever see him, you will understand my love for him. He IS a cartoon.

Saturday night was less eventful, but all good as well. I got dressed up again because of my sisters birthday/halloween party. Which I imediately regretted. It's a lot of work looking like the undead. I just sat on the porch, drank beer, & smoked cigarettes with one of my mom's friends, in full attire. Then I went over to Katie's and watched Candyman with her and ate Steak N shake again. I felt kinda wierd the rest of the night.

Yesterday was the perfect Sunday. I woke up, feeling really good. I took a hot bath, smoked a couple cigarettes, listened to some records, & layed around with my cat children. I got my laundry together, went to target, sipped on my chai tea, went to the laundry and tan, obviously-did not tan, did my laundry & got further into White Oleander. I read a lot yesterday. After that, I went to Fountain Square to Value Village. I struck gold! Later that night--Indian food with Jessica, Ben, Jesse Lee, & Dereck & then pool at the Alley cat.
That sums up my weekend for the most part. It was fantastic.
Here are some photos from Halloween, which are also on my myspace.


Friday, October 31, 2008

lets make a porno.

Last night, Jesse Lee called up Jessica and told her that he had a few extra free passes to see the new Seth Rogan flick Zach and Miri make a porno. So Katie, Jessica, Ben, Dereck, Jesse, and I went. We saw & we enjoyed. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing Jay from Jay and Silent Bob and that guy from clerks. I don't remember his name. And Seth Rogan is always a prize piece. It was a fun night. After we got out of the movie, Jessica, Ben and I went to Broadripple and live up Hallows eve.

It's interesting how we have an unofficial set plan every Thursday night. We get ready at Jessicas, drive to Broadripple together, go to the Alley cat, take one shot, go to the Mineshaft, listen to some good tunes, see good people, drink 1 dollar Newcastles & dance all night. I don't see how this formula could end bad. Although, last night the formula was broken because we inturupted our night to go next door to a haunted house type of deal at a bar. But we got to watch someone get fake executed. So it was a good addition to the night. Not that I usually enjoy that kind of thing. Ok, I am. Not really. But it was creepy and all in good fun.

I will leave you with a photograph of Aggy Deyn.

honest to blog

Halloween 2007

Halloween is here again and I couldn't be happier about it. So many things have changed since last Halloween. Last year, I went up to Chicago as Edie Sedgwick, drank and danced around with the Little Caesar [pizza pizza!] guy, 2 meth heads, & ofcourse Andy Warhol. It was great.

But this year, I am going to be with a different group of people I have come to know and love very much. The meth heads will be there...but as zombies. I will be a zombie, as well.

There is so much to look forward too in 2009.

In January, I will be a costume director for a play performed by actors of the young actors theatre or YAT in Indianapolis. I used to be apart of YAT when I was a tween & I met so many amazing people. I was a complete drama nerd. I loved it. Then, I hit puberty and was suddenly worried about what people thought so I stopped. Stupid. But anyways, YAT will be performing Alice in Wonderland. The director, Justin, said he wanted to do more of a hipster version and I would be perfect to costume the 28 actors. Am I a hipster? Oh well. It's a lot of pressure but if I pull this off, and I know I can...then I might open pandora's box & answer the question of 'what do I want to do with my life?' Maybe that's a little cliche and corney. But I'm not meant to sit in a cubicle all day.
I'll leave you with a photograph of Bill Murray.